Goodbye my Love! On October 10, 2021 at 3am the love of my life James Davis Grant went home to Heaven! He died after only five days. He got sick and I took him to the hospital. They tested him and he tested positive for the Delta Variant of Covid-19. They wouldn't let me stay with him. But three days later the Dr. called at 4am and told me he had taken a turn for the worse and had crashed and would not survive. He told me to call our three adult children and to come in and say goodbye even though James was already so far gone he wouldn't know we were even there. We went in and other than to come home and take a nap and grab a shower twice I was there till the end. I was holding his hand when he took his last breath. The next few days were a blur as we made decisions for his funeral. My Mom and Sister flew in. How do you reconcile the loss of your heart? How do you comfort your three grown children and grandchildren who are only 8, 5, 1 and 5 months old? How do you figure out how to go on with life and pick up the pieces? How do you try to even think about paying bills, fixing a broken van, paying for a funeral, getting a job when you have been bed ridden for 12 years when all you want to do is curl up in a ball? How can I carry this load? How can I do all that this man has done for me for so very long plus walk through this valley? God I need your strength! I will be writing on Granny Grizzly In AK (AudOneWidow) Blog from now on. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read.

Happy 14th Anniversary!!

Fourteen years! How has this wonderful man not only put up with and stayed with me through 14 long years of sickness, more than health. He has been so very good to me! He takes care of me day and night even when he's sick. I don't deserve any of the wonderful things that he has done to take care of me for so long, with not one word of complaint! I love this man more than words can express and Thank God for giving me to him every single day!! I love you, James Davis and am so very thankful and proud that God has put us together as Man and Wife!! Love, HB

Joy of His Salvation!

It is incredible seeing life through my husband's eyes sometimes! He is a very quiet and shy man and has to know you well to let his guard down. But he has a love and joy of giving and special occasions that makes him funny at times. IE: Holidays, birthdays... He won't go to sleep till after midnight so he can sneak in all the kids rooms (or the birthday child) whisper Happy Birthday! Or MERRY CHRISTMAS, Happy Anniversary (to me), and gives them a kiss while they sleep! It's just his thing! But...this is what makes him the man of God that I love so much! He just came in to check on me and give me a kiss. And while he was here he looked at the clock with a big smile, "In 27 min. It will be by Spiritual Birthday! I will have been saved 35 years!! Then, as he does every year, and as he will with the kids tomorrow, told me his testimony of Salvation! It is such a wonderful tradition that as each of our children have gotten saved we keep that date special and write them all on the Calendar and they count down till its their Spiritual Birthday, then on that day we sit around as a family and they tell their testimony of Salvation! It's not something they have to do, we have never asked or told them to... They WANT to, they ask to, they can't wait for it! And I love that through his joy, and love of something so special in his life and openly sharing it with the kids he has shown them it is a wonderful thing to be happy and thankful for and it's not just for testimony time at church! I am truly blessed! In 1 min. HAPPY 35th JAMES!

He's trying to hug me.
He's soaking wet, he just got out of the Lake!!

I couldn't resist him ~ I stayed DRY, but gave him a kiss!!

New Year's Resolution Anyone??

A person can lose 8lbs in one year by kissing for 10 minutes a day.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

A dear and treasured friend of mine posted this on her Face Book. I did not know about it till now. 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is a day of remembrance for pregnancy loss and infant death, which includes but is not limited to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or the death of a newborn. It is observed annually in the United States and Canada and, in recent years, in the United Kingdom and in the Australian State of New South Wales, on October 15^th .

The day is observed with remembrance ceremonies and candle-lighting vigils, concluding with the International Wave of Light, a worldwide lighting of candles.

Picture by Jessie Ruffridge

I love you! You know we have talked before about my miscarriages, but I never knew there was a special day set aside for other's to remember and show love and support! I have always taken time on Dec.3^rd  to remember my babies because that was the date of my first miscarriage. I found I had to remember and love them but was wasting time God had given me with my family and friends by remembering every date of each miscarriage, every "would have been birthday"…

I don't understand God's reasons or plans for why so many of my Babies have gone to Heaven so soon. So I have just always considered the day I lost Tara as my day of remembrance. It is comforting to know that there is a day where other people remember and recognize the horrible pain and loss that parents suffer. I love you and am praying for you, as always!

Thank You Jessie, this will make this Dec. 3^rd  the easiest one I have had in 20 yrs! 

<3 span="span"> <3 span="span"> <3 span="span"> <3 span="span"> <3 span="span"> <3 span="span"> <3 span="span"> 

(A heart for each of my Heavenly Treasures!)

Hard Years

You know there was a line in a movie and an old man was talking to a younger married man and he was talking about his marriage and his wife who had died. He said something to the effect that no marriage is perfect, there are hard years and good years, then he said, "We ended on a great year!" I love that line! But the truth is that is Hollywood and that was some writer's sitting around a table hashing out the perfect words for him to say so women every where would tear up and look at their husbands and say, "Why don't you say things like that?" and the men could sit there and think, "Some chick wrote that, cause no guy would say that to another guy!" I know I am exaggerating somewhat but you get my point. I have been married to James for 13 1/2 years now. I don't think it is good and bad years of marriage so much as LIFE. We don't see many people anymore, between my health and his job. We have NO social life at all. (Not that we had a huge one before, but we had people over all the time and was always at church and I saw people every day at my two jobs and around town paying bills and shopping. LIFE) Now for over three 1/2 years the bedroom and living room have been my whole world. That takes a tole mentally no matter how you look at it, try to handle it or manage it, there is only so much CHEERFUL you can do! And who do you suppose (Not in the movies but in the real world) gets the brunt of that? Who sees the ugly, the sad, the depressed, the tears, the angry, the why me, the today I give up, the I CAN"T TAKE ANY MORE PAIN!! days, the weepy "I'm sorry, I'm a bad wife and mother" days, the guilty days because I can't do what I should do for my family...MY Dear Sweet Husband and Children who are already carrying the whole load! Are all our days like that!!!??? NO! We have good days! We even have fun and great days! We have adapted and learned to spend time when (around my medication schedule) and where (Often all five of us on the bed, dresser, bookshelf..in our bedroom because I can't get out of bed) but I bet we laugh harder than most families at the silliest things! And I have two teens who seek me out, close the bedroom door and spend up to two hours at a time talking to me voluntarily! My husband and I don't go out on date nights, and I worry about his health with the burdens and stress he is carrying. But we have a sweet friendship and I can tell him ANYTHING! We talk for hours at night. Sometimes straight through till his 5am job so he has to take a nap in the afternoon because he was up all night soothing my fears and worries. We are NOT a perfect couple by any means. And I think anyone who tells you they are is lying to you or themselves. Because there are no perfect people so if no one is perfect, how can you have TWO imperfect humans live together and have a perfect marriage? Impossible! That's like saying two wrongs make a right. Two imperfects do not make a perfect. Not possible. For instance, tempers...we all have one, whether we want to admit it or not, whether we can control it, have a short or long fuse, we all have one PERIOD. Now with my husband and I, when we first got married we had a MARVELOUS first year! Then I got pregnant and was put on total bed rest with a 4 1/2yr old. I..am..a..RED..HEAD! I have a short fuse and I can blow hot and fast! BOOM!! "THERE SHE BLOWS!" My dear husband is the calm quiet type. He takes forever to let out what is bothering him and it's like pulling rusty screws with a hammer!! Nigh on impossible! And we had know each other for 13 years before we married and had NEVER had one fight! And all of the sudden we are fighting like cats and dogs! We were like two teenagers who had just gotten married and we were both in our 30's! I could not understand what was happening! Then my husband figured ME out! Something no one had ever done in 31 years! I didn't even realize it! He looked at me and said, you are like a box of bottle rockets, you light one and it will go off fast and explode. If no says anything and leaves you alone for a bit to cool off. No more rockets. But every time someone tries to calm you down it's like throwing another match in the box. I looked at him with my eyes and mouth hanging open, not sure whether he was insulting me or trying to pick a fight or what! He said, I think all you need is a chance to blow off steam and I've been trying to fix your problems and you just get more frustrated because I'm not listening, I'm talking. So now when I explode he just looks at me and even though I feel like an idiot and can't seem to stop the flow of words rushing out about whatever is bugging me. Be it the wet mail or the busted dryer or how late a book is I ordered. He just waits for me to get it out of my system and then I sit quiet for a bit and the Lord starts working on me and I end up going back and apologizing to everyone and trying harder next time to control my tongue. BUT, WE as a couple don't explode all the time because he knows it's not about him. So is this a Hard Year or a Good Year for us? It has been both. Every year we have a blend of both. If it was all Good we would stop needing and depending on God and each other! If it was all hard, we would probably quit, so God gives us both. No more of either than we need or can handle. And we have each other...that bonus makes it worth everything!

Married Idiots

We All Married Idiots: Three Things You Will Never Change About Your Marriage and Ten Things You Can by Elaine W. Miller
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I won this book and now I get to read it! I am excited and can't wait to read it and give a review! Two of my favorite things, Marriage and Humor!!
Marvelous!! Start to finish this book is packed with yumminess! You must read this book! My only wish is that she would have used KJV1611 Bible so I could read it in book.
I have already marked my copy up with underlining and notes, read parts to my Hubby and we are going to go back through it together! I recommend this book.

View all my reviews

Different

Women of God can never be like women of the world.The world has enough women who are tough; We need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; We need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; We need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; We need more women of faith. We have enough greed; We need more goodness. We have enough vanity; We need more virtue. We have enough popularity; We need more purity. ~ Margaret Dyreng Nadauld

Over Night Trip

Wow! My husband surprised me yesterday when I woke up with a wonderful treat he had planned just for the two of us! He woke me up with a kiss, a hug, a cup of coffee and telling me that I had all day to pack a bag with what I would need to spend the night in a hotel with him. And that I was to ask no questions, but to take whatever I needed for being in a hot tub! So after the kids got off school, Joanna helped me pack a small bag and then when James came home from work he took me by the hand and helped me in the truck and off we went! We didn't do anything fancy or grand and glorious. Number one, my health wouldn't let me and number two we couldn't afford it. But we went through the drive through and got a sandwich each and drove to Soldotna and checked in. By then I had to lay down for 1/2 hour or so. Honestly I didn't want to even get up off the bed but because of the super sweet way he had made plans just for me I pushed and got ready for the hot tub. IT WAS HOT!!! But we spent quite a while in the water. James treated it like a therapy session. He had me laid out floating, totally relaxed with not a weight or pressure anywhere on my spine, neck, muscles, tendons...for the first time in over four and a half years I was almost pain free without being knocked out on pain pills! And it was amazing that he could do this because I am scared, no terrified of the water and have never been able to relax like that and float, trusting someone to hold me up while I laid there completely relaxed. I have always been tense, ready to fight to hold my breath and get my head up and feet down. But last night was wonderful! By the time we got out he had to practically carry me out of the tub! LOL Once I rinsed off the chlorine
and put on a night gown I barely made it to the bed! My poor hair stayed in a towel for about three hours before I even tried to do anything with it! When I fell asleep, (yes I took my pills, I was relaxed, not stupid!) I slept straight through till 7:30 this morning!! It was such a wonderful way to be spoiled and pampered by my husband! He said it was a just because trip! "Because, we need time alone, because you deserve it (I didn't think I did), because you need out of the house, because you've worked so hard and lost so much weight we are celebrating, because I love you, because I want to try the hot tub therapy for you...just because!" This is the first "get away" we have had together in over four years (unless you count my surgeries! LOL)! It was WONDERFUL!

Our feet~relaxing on our King Bed!

My Husband who spoils me!

Our Room!

Supper!! Yummy Salad!

Happy Anniversary to US!!

Feb. 19, 2012 ~ James & Audrey Grant ~ Our 13th Anniversary!

As you can see by the picture we celebrated our Anniversary three days ago on Sunday! I was hoping above hope to be able to get out of bed that day and go to Church with my family. That would have been the BEST present for both of us. But it wasn't to be.

Three days before I managed to sneak up while he was at work and try on my wedding dress. I have lost 70 lbs. in the last three years and was "Hoping" it would fit for him for our Anniv. as a surprise....it did!

But then I wasn't able to wear it to Church for him on Sunday because I was hurting too bad. That was my surprise for James.

James had a few surprises of his own tucked up his sleeve. This was the first Sunday in well over 6 months that he hasn't had to work an 11 to 12 hr. day (he takes care of people in there homes who can't get out). Instead of going to Church with the kids on Sunday Morning he made me breakfast in bed, and we watched the Church services on line together. I usually watch them alone while the kids go to church. (Then he went with them for evening service).

As soon as it was done he told me to take a nap (medicine) and he went to the kitchen and started putzing around. About an hour and a half he came back and sat on the bed grinning.

James:  "Our Spinach Pie will be done in an hour!" 

Me:  "Wait! Number 1. You made our traditional anniversary meal by yourself?!" 

James:  "YEP!

Me: "Number 2. Our oven is broken! And the part won't be in till Mon. or Tues.!"

James:   "I know, I called everyone who lived close by and couldn't reach anyone so I went knocking on the neighbors' doors till I found someone home who would let me use their oven for an hour and 15 min.!"  (Big Grin)

Me: "You love me that much?!"

James: "Well, You and Spinach Pie!" Laughs  (scene closes for you all)....

The romance never ends if you don't let it, you don't have to be rich, you don't have to do the same thing other people do and expect. It doesn't have to be Roses, Chocolate, candlelit dinner at a restaurant to mean that you are loving and continuing to court and invest in each other and your relationship.

Figure out WHO the person you are married to really is and that is what romance is really about! What is romantic about Spinach Pie??? It is my husbands favorite food in the whole world! It is expensive to make, you can't order it at a restaurant, his aunts and brother taught me how to make it the way his Mom did, it is unhealthy and fattening which neither of us need so we agreed that it would be our "Special" meal and I would make it for him on our anniv. every year. So I start buying and freezing ingredients up to two months in advance. 

Even if we can't get a gift for each other, we agree to put our money into the meal because it means so much to us.

My parents showed me this in a far different way when I was growing up. They often had NO money on their anniv. Not even enough to buy a little something extra to cook. I've known them to eat Cornbread and Milk for their anniv supper and be HAPPY! Why? Because they were together! What they ate didn't matter, where they were didn't matter. As long as they had time alone together, they were in Heaven on Earth!

That is the marriage that James and I make sure we work together to have every day. It's not always easy. I'm not an easy person to live with and even love all the time. I know that, And that is why I find him so amazing that he loves me at my worst.

Sooo, I chased a few rabbits there, but we had a wonderful anniv. in spite of my physical failings! I can't wait to see what year 14 brings for us!!

A Room of Our Own

I once heard a piece of decorating advice and it stuck with me. "Don't put pictures of anyone except the two of you as a couple in your bedroom." The more I thought on this the more I liked it and it made sense to me.
We have pictures in almost every room in our home, hall and bathrooms included. These include our kids, parents, siblings, ancestors, etc...but in our bedroom I have removed all photos that aren't James and I together.
In fact I have taken it a step further over the years and now have our main wall, which is at the end of our bed, decorated with every photo of the two of us that I can find. To make it look nice I frame them all in 8x10 or 5x7 black frames and if needed use a cream border. I have them hung in a grid of three rows across the wall.
As we lay on the bed and talk or rest we are looking at a parade of our memories of our years and treasured moments together. It is amazing how often we find ourselves pointing out one picture or another and talking about where we were and what we were doing when it was taken.
I could have put all those pictures in albums or all over the house mixed in with all the others. But focused like they are they draw our attention and we look at them often and they help keep memories of all our wonderful moments alive even during sickness or worry.
This has made such an impact on us and our marriage that I have, over time, moved everything out of our room that doesn't have to do with us. All the treasures the kids bring us are proudly displayed all over the house, but not in our room. We have things we have gotten each other or gotten when together and we have a few personal things from our youth that have made us who we are and have stories behind them that are very special to us as a person that we share with each other.
What am I trying to say?? We have been married for just shy of 13 years. We have 3 children whom we adore, treasure and thank God for, because each one of them are here only through the Grace of God and the answer to many, many prayers. But when James and I go in our room and close the door, it is our Haven. It is where we are alone. Where we are best friends and can tell each other anything. It is our special place with nothing to jar or distract us. It truly is "A Room of Our Own".

HEARTS

Hearts ~ I'm thankful for the little things! Like Hearts ♥, James and I give each other hearts, usually ornament type hearts, wood, glass, paper cloth, metals, crystal, musical, themed...when one of us sees one that makes us think of the other we get it. Often they are gifts for Anniv., Birthday, Christmas....but James came in with his hand behind his back at 11:30pm after working a 13hr. day and handed me a simple little woven heart with a red ribbon. It is beautiful and made me cry! While he was taking care of his client one of the older neighbor ladies came by to check on his patient and give one of the hearts she had made as a cheer up gift. James got to talking to her and found out that she is making them to sell at a craft fair in a few weeks so he went next door and bought one for me! When I started crying over the fact that he would think to buy me a hand woven heart in the middle of such a long hard day of work, he started crying too, so we sat here on just an ordinary day made extraordinary by his thoughtful and generous heart which was portrayed by this little woven heart we held between us! I'm thankful for James, His Big Heart and all our little hearts that remind me of all the times he thinks of me!

Holding Me in His Sleep

It is no secret that I was married before for 12 years. And at 43 years of age I have given my fair share of marriage counseling to young women who were my former students and ended up being friends. I also read, A LOT! And always have.
But I have never heard or read or known of anyone like my husband James. We have been married almost 13 years and this just dawned on me the two nights ago. I've noticed it, in a way before but never had it been clear like it was the other night.
When James sleeps by himself or with one of the kids he sleeps facing the outside of the bed or on his back. If one of the kids is in the bed he always piles pillows and blankets between him and them so they don't kick him and wake him up.
So when I can't sleep because of pain and am up late I try to slip in as quiet as I can when he has to get up real early to go to work, because I don't want to wake him up. And most of the time I don't. When I get in bed I always very gently lay a hand on his arm or shoulder or back....usually on top of the blanket so it doesn't disturb him, but just to be touching him as I fall asleep. Like the other night.

But even in his sleep, without his breathing changing or anything. He knows I am there. He always reaches out in his sleep and holds my hand with at least one of his or he will take my hand and hold it covered in both of his while he sleeps. Or if he rolls away from me he takes my hand with him wrapping my arm around him while holding my hand in his sleep. Or if I roll over he rolls over and rubs my shoulder for a second before laying his arm across my waist.
He is so connected to me and aware of me. He loves me so much that even in his sleep he is watching over me, protecting me, checking on me, making me feel safe and taking care of me. If I make a sound in my sleep that is different than my normal snoring. He is instantly wide awake, up on his elbow checking on me. Even before I am awake enough to realize that I cried out in my sleep in pain trying to turn over he's awake and talking to me and helping me, turning me, soothing me, adjusting pillows, whatever I need!
I believe that when God said that "they two shall become one flesh" this is part of what he had in mind. Neither one of us is by far perfect! But together we make a far better whole than we do two halves!
You always hear about Mothers being like this with their children but I never realized that it was a bond that you could have outside of that connection with a baby you had given birth to.
But I don't know why...If God spoke it I should have assumed it. I guess because I hadn't heard anyone talk about it and hadn't experienced it myself before and then when I did at first it was hard for me to get used to being so close to anyone. Even though I loved him with all that was in me I sometimes felt there must be pieces missing or damaged that made me feel worried about giving 1,000% in case I got hurt again. 
But the other night I realized, James hurting me would be like chopping off his own leg! We are ONE person! He loves me and would give himself for me! I don't have to hold anything back ever!

Taken with my phone camera at night...James holding my hand at night!

So I snuggled my hand in his and went straight to sleep holding hands with the Man of my Dreams!!

25 YEARS

Today has been a very strange day for me. I sometimes wondered how I would feel when this day rolled around and now I know...sad, nostalgic, free, thankful, wistful, old...and even more that I can't seem to put words to.

Twenty-five years ago today when I walked the isle to marry Charles I loved him with all my heart and never dreamed that I wouldn't be celebrating our 25th anniversary together. Each year after year 5 when things kept going further downhill and falling apart more and more that image drifted farther and farther away.

After 12 years of marriage, when the divorce went thru, each year since when this date has rolled around, I have still remembered it even as God moved my life on. It is just one of those dates that became a part of my life. So each Oct. 10th is hard in it's own way as a reminder of my failures and my past come back to visit for a day.

So today might have been my 25th wedding Anniv. if there were no sin and no willfulness and stubbornness and anger in this old world.

Red Ferrari!

The one thing I have always had the biggest problem with is lack of self esteem. I have always looked at myself  as honestly and realistically as I could. I have never tried to fool myself about my looks or how special I am. When you grow up with a brother and two sisters that look the way mine do and hear comments from Mexico to Alaska that confirm what your perception of yourself and your siblings is then you are under no false illusions.
Add to that the abuse I went through from the age of 12 to 16 which made me feel like used goods, worthless and unclean. And at that time Christians didn't know how to deal with sexual abuse in their ranks. The perpetrator faced ostracism and usually quietly moved away with maybe a few whispers and questions. While the abused was, in my case, quietly advised in two or three quiet conversations that now that I wasn't a "good girl" any more I couldn't hope for a good Christian marriage and normal home life. The best I could hope for was someone would take pity on me and marry me anyway and I would just make the best of what was left of my life! (I was only 16!!)
By 17 I was thinking about suicide! It scared me to death!! (No pun intended!) I sought help and over time was able to receive enough to stableize me but not fix my brokenness.
I met James and it was instant attraction! For both of us, I later found out. But I was a mess and we now believe the Lord held him back from approaching me and dating me at that time. Later that year I met a "bad boy" who started coming to the Church and started dateing me.
I never could, and still can't, understand why my Dad gave his permission for us to date. Much less get married. The only thing I could figure out was that he thought that that was what I deserved. Here he was a Preacher and Missionary and he's giving permission for me to date and marry an older guy who smokes, cusses, drinks, listens to rock music, tells dirty jokes, ran away from home at 16 and just now came back at age 22!!
Well, if that was all I was worth and capeable of attracting then this must be God's will for my Life! So at 18 I walked down the isle, shaking like a leaf and promised the rest of my life to this man I hardly knew! I had come to love him. He was handsome and charming and I wanted a prince charming!
He was a prince and charming for the first little while, but then he started back to his drinking and things quickly started going down hill. The ugly name calling started, and use of abuse that he had learned from my past was being used against me for his fun and kicks!
And I had been trained that it was my duty to stay with him and obey him. To do what he said. I tried to be submissive but that only made it worse. The better I tried to be the angrier he got. The more I tried to make him happy the more unhappy he got. On our 5th Anniv. he told me he didn't love me. He threw me out and so began 7 more years of nightmare and confusion. He would throw me out for a while and then call me to move back. Or he would move out and leave me only to show up months later and just move back in without even asking. I never knew what was going to happen.
Sometimes I lived with him, sometimes with my parents, often with his parents, once in a while with friends, a few times house sitting, seldom a place of my own for a bit, even living out of my car at times. Always feeling lower and lower on the pond scum scale. Yet always remaining faithful to God. The one thing I never doubted thru all the years was that God loved me and so I stayed faithful to Him and His service!
Finally after 11 years of marriage, he left me no choice but to finally get the divorce he had wanted for years. So I was now 29, the mother of a 3yr old son, I had complete care and costody of my son and had had from day one. When I had realized I was finally pregnant after 7 years and told him his response had been..."I'm glad for you, you will be a good Mom." We were separated again by then and he wanted nothing to do with either of us. He even moved out of the state when I was 6 months pregnant.

Not long before I turned 30, Mathew and I were shareing a mobile home with a friend of mine that I had known since I was 17. She, Mathew and I got along great and it helped both of us with the cost of living. She is the only girl and baby of 6 kids! One of her brothers was "THE GUY" James that I had the crush on
when I was 17! Their family had a tradition of Friday night game night and they started trading off and coming to our house sometimes for them. James and I clicked right away, but I was scared to death! I was in the NO MEN zone! I didn't trust men, but he was getting around my defences and under my skin!
He came over one night, just him without all the other brothers, with a couple of movies and a pizza. Amy was gone and so we ate pizza watched movies and started talking.
He sat on the other couch across the room, no threat, giving me honor, respect and space and we talked till almost 4 in the morning! I hadn't heard him say that much in all the 13 years I had known him combined! He came back the next night and the next and ....then one day I came home from work and there was a NEW WASHING MACHINE in my livingroom floor!!
Noone had ever bought me something so thoughtful before! I knew I was sunk! I knew right then I was in love and in so much trouble!! We had a dryer but the washing machine didn't work. And Amy had a very bad back. So she would go teach at the Christian school and come home to rest. I was the cook and bus driver for a daycare and took Mathew to work with me. So I left for work at 5am. Worked till 4:15, came home did laundry for all three of us in the bathtub by hand and then dryed it. And then made supper. I tried to do a load every night because it took so long to dry them. But it kept my hands red and raw between cooking for 50 kids 4 times a day and washing all the dishes by hand in bleach water each time and coming home and doing laundry by hand and cooking meal #5. My hands were a raw mess! So his first gift wasn't flowers or candy or jewelry. His first gift was from his heart, a gift to help and care for me.  A gift to make my life easier!
By October he asked me to marry him. I was still scared. More for him...did he truely realize what a mess he was getting when he got me? I had tried to tell him, to the best of my ability and understanding at the time, but would it be enough?

We have been married 12 1/2 years now. Yesterday we were sitting here talking before he went to work and the subject kind of came up in a round about way. (My hair, which I've been trying to decide what to do with it). Anyway I was telling him what it felt like growing up as the ugly duckling of the family and he kept telling me I wasn't. We just couldn't seem to make each other hear and understand.
I told him that when you have grown up traveling all over and you have heard your family described HUNDREDS of times as, Dewayne ~ good looking or handsome young man!, Audrey ~ boy she's TALL! this is my Amazon!, Myra~ she's so dainty or she's so delicate! She looks just like a little Dollie! (Mom), Sandra~ She's GEORGOUS!! She's Beautiful! (SHH just don't tell her that! LOL)
You learn real well where you stand in the genetics pool! When you hear guys talk about dateing your sisters but not a word about you, you figure it out! When you are 17 and the only person to ever ask you out on a date is a drunken, smoking, cussing, runaway, sailor and your Dad says sure! You know you are the ugly duckling! And well rid of!
Then it was James' turn for his version... he has told me over and over for the past 13 years how beautiful he thinks I am, how lucky and blessed he is, how he married up, etc. but yesterday he laid it all out for me.
He told me he didn't approach me when I was 17 and other guys didn't approach me then because I was so tall and beautiful they didn't feel like they stood a chance with me. (Not sure I 100% believe that, but that's what he said).
He described my marriage to Charles as this. He said, Charles got a Ferrari. He drove it and treated it like it was a beat up old Subaru. He had no clue what he had or how to treat it! He didn't deserve a Ferrari!
Now I have the Ferrari! I don't deserve it either, but at least I know what I have and I know I don't deserve it and I know how to appreciate it and treat it and take care of it! That is the difference! Do you understand now?
He made it so simple! And sweet!
Then as he walked in the dining room he said, (and I like my Ferrari RED!) LOL I have been begging him to tell me whether he wants me to dye my hair again or not and he wouldn't, and this was his way of telling me to dye it back red! He's too cute!!
For the first time since I was 12 (I'm now pushing 44) I feel like I, Audrey Lynn Noel Boyd Grant, am worth something! It is an amazing feeling!!

Should I Marry This Person?

One of my dearest friends and I were discussing this VERY important question today over lunch. (Along with several other life altering topics we dealt with!) Sadly, both of us as well as too many of our close friends have been through divorces. 
I'm not talking about bad people who go out and live wild lives and marry without consideration and counseling. I'm talking good, honest, hardworking, Christian, Godly people who love the Lord and want to serve Him with all their heart.
But sin, Satan, the world and the flesh can destroy even "good" marriages if we are not ever cautious. And always tending the field that is our marriage.
God blessed me after 12 years of a very bad marriage with (now 12 years and counting!) of marriage to the most incredible man with the biggest heart on earth!
But back to lunch....this friend and I were talking about how scary it is to fall in love when you have been hurt so bad by someone you loved and trusted with your heart and life. And how could you know that this time you knew you were making the right choice....?
First and foremost, always is prayer, (LOTS, EVERY DAY!!) Soul searching quiet time alone with God , giving the whole thing to Him. Begging Him that if this is not right to please show you, Show the other person, Put up a BIG red STOP sign. what ever it takes. Literally give the relationship to God to do with as He wishes and then be wise enough to see when and if He should show you.
Second, we discussed my opinion that noone should ever get married without feeling like, EVERY TIME they  look at the other person that they are the most blessed person on earth because this incredible person actually wants to be with ME! 
How did I get so lucky? How did I win the jackpot? I upgraded out of my status and station in life! It's not about looks or money. Don't get me wrong. We have been poor as Church mice for most of our marriage, but when I look at, talk to, listen to, sit by, watch across the room, hear him laugh, see him play with the kids, or have one of our all night talks, I am amazed that this incredible man, this treasure, this loving Father, this tender hearted, giving man could have possibly even looked my way much less loved and wanted me 12 years ago and still does even with all my tons of baggage!!! Now that is a blessing only God can give!
But, strangely enough, after 12 years together, when I got home and was telling James about lunch and what we had talked about and said, he started LAUGHING!!! He said I was crazy that HE was the one who got the upgrade so to speak and I got taken in the deal! See what I mean! If you don't both feel like the other one is someone to strive for and live up to then you have nowhere to go in your life and marriage but down.

For Always

For Always

For Always…All my life I dreamed of someone special who’d come along and make my dreams come true.

When I least expected love, it came my way, the moment I caught a glimpse of you!

For Always, I will give you my heart. Cherish every moment in your arms. As long as we’re together, I can face another day. I’ll love you (I will love you), For Always!

Hand in hand we’ll spend our lives together, we’ve pledged our love for all eternity. My soul is soaring, there is joy just in my heart. For I’m in love with you. (I’m in love with you!) And you’re in love with me (in love with me!)!

For Always, I will give you my heart. Cherish every moment in your arms. As long as we’re together, I can face another day. I’ll love you (Yes, I’ll love you), For Always!

For Always, I will give you my heart. Cherish every moment in your arms. As long as we’re together, I can face another day. I’ll love you (Yes, I’ll love you), For Always! For Always! For Always!

Jim and Melissa Brady

James and I have been married for over 12 years. Melissa Brady has been my friend since we were girls of only 11 years old and I met Jim and his family in Texas when I was in 1^st grade! Who would have known that these MANY years later their CD of love songs would mean so much to us? So many of the songs were as if they were written with us in mind and Jim and Melissa had never even met my husband when they made this CD and wrote these songs.

But that is just the way our Great God and Heavenly Father works. His Word can speak to a parent who has lost a baby or a wife who is a new widow or a single person who desires a husband or wife. He speaks to all of our needs and he can use a willing vessel to write songs that touch people’s hearts all around the world for his purpose. Songs that have a special meaning to each person or couple depending on where they are in they’re life.

 Are James and I perfect? NO Do we have a perfect marriage and never disagree or “fight”? NO Do we adore each other more than the day we got married over 12 years ago? You better believe it!! We gross out our kids all the time and especially embarrass our 16yr old (another blessing with a long story for later) son by hugging and “smooching”. But our kids have no doubt even on tough days when I’m hurting and snippy or Dad has worked 12 or 14 hrs, that we still love each other and that will be FOR ALWAYS!!

They know if Dad and Mom are in the same room they will be touching, my head on his shoulder, holding hands, sitting on his lap, his head in my lap, one of us rubbing the other’s feet, him brushing my hair, hugging or kissing or just sitting talking and laughing. We will be TOGETHER.

Twelve years, three kids, two cancers, 13 surgeries, and LOTS of grey hairs and he still holds my hand every time we ride in the car, no matter who is there. He holds my hand when we walk together, puts his arm  around me in church and gives me his arm when we walk in church and pulls the car to the front door while our sons help me in the car after church! I am loved and cared for like I am a fragile treasure! I AM LOVED FOR ALWAYS!!!

‎~Loves it when he hugs her for no reason, makes her laugh when she wants to cry, picks her up when she's down, holds her near when she needs him the most ♥

He Knows Me

Years ago someone had told me that if you have a hard time waking up from surgery sip a warm Mountain Dew.
So when we were on our way to Anchorage for my surgery I asked James to have one waiting for me when I got back to the room.
Now for 12 years I have drank nothing but Diet Coke and Coffee (Water and Iced Tea) but to "buy" me a drink, its always one of those two. And so here we are driving to Anch. two days before major surgery, trying to make an apt. we are late for, we are both scared about this surgery and I ask him to do this strange thing out of the blue while he was driving.
The day after my surgery James came into my room with a beautiful shawl (in the PERFECT colors for me), and I love shawls!! And a journal (I love Journals! I have a whole book shelf FULL of them in our bedroom.) but he was miserable looking???
I thanked him and told him how much I loved him and them and how sweet he was to think of things I love and enjoy instead of flowers that would die or candy I'm trying to avoid. But he opened the journal and handed it to me and he had written almost 3 whole pages! This from a man with severe dyslexia is a HUGE chore!! As I started reading what he had written he started crying, and so did I, but not for the same reason.
He wrote how bad he felt that I had gone thru surgery and only asked for one small thing (the Mountain Dew) and he had forgotten it. And how devastated he was that he could have forgotten to have it there for me after what I had been thru.
I had forgotten about it!!! And told him it wasn't that important. But he was so upset with himself that he had forgotten it even with worrying about me in surgery and coordinating our kids back home and all that was going on. It showed me once again how very deeply, to the very core of his heart he loves me! It HURT him that he hadn't done one small thing I had asked in the middle of all the insanity we were going thru.
Do I as his wife care for him that much? Am I that selfless in my love?

Can't Even Get Mad!

My husband frustrates me, because he doesn't frustrate me!! Is that crazy or what?!? And he is teaching my kids to be the same wonderful frustrating way!!! I now have four of them!

Tonight James and his brother Allen, who is having to live with us for a while, went to one of his younger brother's to play "hand and foot" for a while. (Meaning till 2 or 3 in the morning which is fine with me, it's his day off and he needs time with his brother's...)

For years, every since we have been married, we have had Game Night on Fri. nights but the last year it has petered out to almost nothing because of my health and James' job. So when no one was here by the normal time, he felt ok to go.

About an hour later, his youngest brother dropped off our youngest and our nephew. A few min. later we had three more kids ages 6 to 11 dropped off. So I was up to 7 kids aged 6 to 15. All under 12 except 1. My oldest had been at school and work all day and by 9pm was ready for bed so off he went.

Thirty min. later he got up. I asked him if the kids were too loud and he said no...He said he was worried about me and couldn't sleep thinking about me out here with all the kids by myself! Not 5min. later, while he was still sitting here, James called.

He said he was worried about me. He had a feeling that more kids had been dropped off and how many did I have. I told him, but said that Mathew had gotten back up so he should stay. Not 5 min. later both parents showed up to get their kids...

I called James and asked him if he had called the Dad's and told them to come get their kids. He said no, why? I said, cause both of them just came and got their kids! He was so surprised. He was just fixing' to come home to help me.

Mathew was going to stay up late and James was going to give up his time with his brothers to help me because they didn't want me to be over worked taking care of the kids in my health condition and God blessed them and in so doing blessed me!

I often get frustrated at them hovering over me and "babying" me, but they take such good care of me and love me so much, I really can't get mad at them! I love them and am so thankful for them!!! I truly am a blessed woman!