A Room of Our Own

I once heard a piece of decorating advice and it stuck with me. "Don't put pictures of anyone except the two of you as a couple in your bedroom." The more I thought on this the more I liked it and it made sense to me.
We have pictures in almost every room in our home, hall and bathrooms included. These include our kids, parents, siblings, ancestors, etc...but in our bedroom I have removed all photos that aren't James and I together.
In fact I have taken it a step further over the years and now have our main wall, which is at the end of our bed, decorated with every photo of the two of us that I can find. To make it look nice I frame them all in 8x10 or 5x7 black frames and if needed use a cream border. I have them hung in a grid of three rows across the wall.
As we lay on the bed and talk or rest we are looking at a parade of our memories of our years and treasured moments together. It is amazing how often we find ourselves pointing out one picture or another and talking about where we were and what we were doing when it was taken.
I could have put all those pictures in albums or all over the house mixed in with all the others. But focused like they are they draw our attention and we look at them often and they help keep memories of all our wonderful moments alive even during sickness or worry.
This has made such an impact on us and our marriage that I have, over time, moved everything out of our room that doesn't have to do with us. All the treasures the kids bring us are proudly displayed all over the house, but not in our room. We have things we have gotten each other or gotten when together and we have a few personal things from our youth that have made us who we are and have stories behind them that are very special to us as a person that we share with each other.
What am I trying to say?? We have been married for just shy of 13 years. We have 3 children whom we adore, treasure and thank God for, because each one of them are here only through the Grace of God and the answer to many, many prayers. But when James and I go in our room and close the door, it is our Haven. It is where we are alone. Where we are best friends and can tell each other anything. It is our special place with nothing to jar or distract us. It truly is "A Room of Our Own".

HEARTS

Hearts ~ I'm thankful for the little things! Like Hearts ♥, James and I give each other hearts, usually ornament type hearts, wood, glass, paper cloth, metals, crystal, musical, themed...when one of us sees one that makes us think of the other we get it. Often they are gifts for Anniv., Birthday, Christmas....but James came in with his hand behind his back at 11:30pm after working a 13hr. day and handed me a simple little woven heart with a red ribbon. It is beautiful and made me cry! While he was taking care of his client one of the older neighbor ladies came by to check on his patient and give one of the hearts she had made as a cheer up gift. James got to talking to her and found out that she is making them to sell at a craft fair in a few weeks so he went next door and bought one for me! When I started crying over the fact that he would think to buy me a hand woven heart in the middle of such a long hard day of work, he started crying too, so we sat here on just an ordinary day made extraordinary by his thoughtful and generous heart which was portrayed by this little woven heart we held between us! I'm thankful for James, His Big Heart and all our little hearts that remind me of all the times he thinks of me!

Holding Me in His Sleep

It is no secret that I was married before for 12 years. And at 43 years of age I have given my fair share of marriage counseling to young women who were my former students and ended up being friends. I also read, A LOT! And always have.
But I have never heard or read or known of anyone like my husband James. We have been married almost 13 years and this just dawned on me the two nights ago. I've noticed it, in a way before but never had it been clear like it was the other night.
When James sleeps by himself or with one of the kids he sleeps facing the outside of the bed or on his back. If one of the kids is in the bed he always piles pillows and blankets between him and them so they don't kick him and wake him up.
So when I can't sleep because of pain and am up late I try to slip in as quiet as I can when he has to get up real early to go to work, because I don't want to wake him up. And most of the time I don't. When I get in bed I always very gently lay a hand on his arm or shoulder or back....usually on top of the blanket so it doesn't disturb him, but just to be touching him as I fall asleep. Like the other night.

But even in his sleep, without his breathing changing or anything. He knows I am there. He always reaches out in his sleep and holds my hand with at least one of his or he will take my hand and hold it covered in both of his while he sleeps. Or if he rolls away from me he takes my hand with him wrapping my arm around him while holding my hand in his sleep. Or if I roll over he rolls over and rubs my shoulder for a second before laying his arm across my waist.
He is so connected to me and aware of me. He loves me so much that even in his sleep he is watching over me, protecting me, checking on me, making me feel safe and taking care of me. If I make a sound in my sleep that is different than my normal snoring. He is instantly wide awake, up on his elbow checking on me. Even before I am awake enough to realize that I cried out in my sleep in pain trying to turn over he's awake and talking to me and helping me, turning me, soothing me, adjusting pillows, whatever I need!
I believe that when God said that "they two shall become one flesh" this is part of what he had in mind. Neither one of us is by far perfect! But together we make a far better whole than we do two halves!
You always hear about Mothers being like this with their children but I never realized that it was a bond that you could have outside of that connection with a baby you had given birth to.
But I don't know why...If God spoke it I should have assumed it. I guess because I hadn't heard anyone talk about it and hadn't experienced it myself before and then when I did at first it was hard for me to get used to being so close to anyone. Even though I loved him with all that was in me I sometimes felt there must be pieces missing or damaged that made me feel worried about giving 1,000% in case I got hurt again. 
But the other night I realized, James hurting me would be like chopping off his own leg! We are ONE person! He loves me and would give himself for me! I don't have to hold anything back ever!

Taken with my phone camera at night...James holding my hand at night!

So I snuggled my hand in his and went straight to sleep holding hands with the Man of my Dreams!!

25 YEARS

Today has been a very strange day for me. I sometimes wondered how I would feel when this day rolled around and now I know...sad, nostalgic, free, thankful, wistful, old...and even more that I can't seem to put words to.

Twenty-five years ago today when I walked the isle to marry Charles I loved him with all my heart and never dreamed that I wouldn't be celebrating our 25th anniversary together. Each year after year 5 when things kept going further downhill and falling apart more and more that image drifted farther and farther away.

After 12 years of marriage, when the divorce went thru, each year since when this date has rolled around, I have still remembered it even as God moved my life on. It is just one of those dates that became a part of my life. So each Oct. 10th is hard in it's own way as a reminder of my failures and my past come back to visit for a day.

So today might have been my 25th wedding Anniv. if there were no sin and no willfulness and stubbornness and anger in this old world.

Red Ferrari!

The one thing I have always had the biggest problem with is lack of self esteem. I have always looked at myself  as honestly and realistically as I could. I have never tried to fool myself about my looks or how special I am. When you grow up with a brother and two sisters that look the way mine do and hear comments from Mexico to Alaska that confirm what your perception of yourself and your siblings is then you are under no false illusions.
Add to that the abuse I went through from the age of 12 to 16 which made me feel like used goods, worthless and unclean. And at that time Christians didn't know how to deal with sexual abuse in their ranks. The perpetrator faced ostracism and usually quietly moved away with maybe a few whispers and questions. While the abused was, in my case, quietly advised in two or three quiet conversations that now that I wasn't a "good girl" any more I couldn't hope for a good Christian marriage and normal home life. The best I could hope for was someone would take pity on me and marry me anyway and I would just make the best of what was left of my life! (I was only 16!!)
By 17 I was thinking about suicide! It scared me to death!! (No pun intended!) I sought help and over time was able to receive enough to stableize me but not fix my brokenness.
I met James and it was instant attraction! For both of us, I later found out. But I was a mess and we now believe the Lord held him back from approaching me and dating me at that time. Later that year I met a "bad boy" who started coming to the Church and started dateing me.
I never could, and still can't, understand why my Dad gave his permission for us to date. Much less get married. The only thing I could figure out was that he thought that that was what I deserved. Here he was a Preacher and Missionary and he's giving permission for me to date and marry an older guy who smokes, cusses, drinks, listens to rock music, tells dirty jokes, ran away from home at 16 and just now came back at age 22!!
Well, if that was all I was worth and capeable of attracting then this must be God's will for my Life! So at 18 I walked down the isle, shaking like a leaf and promised the rest of my life to this man I hardly knew! I had come to love him. He was handsome and charming and I wanted a prince charming!
He was a prince and charming for the first little while, but then he started back to his drinking and things quickly started going down hill. The ugly name calling started, and use of abuse that he had learned from my past was being used against me for his fun and kicks!
And I had been trained that it was my duty to stay with him and obey him. To do what he said. I tried to be submissive but that only made it worse. The better I tried to be the angrier he got. The more I tried to make him happy the more unhappy he got. On our 5th Anniv. he told me he didn't love me. He threw me out and so began 7 more years of nightmare and confusion. He would throw me out for a while and then call me to move back. Or he would move out and leave me only to show up months later and just move back in without even asking. I never knew what was going to happen.
Sometimes I lived with him, sometimes with my parents, often with his parents, once in a while with friends, a few times house sitting, seldom a place of my own for a bit, even living out of my car at times. Always feeling lower and lower on the pond scum scale. Yet always remaining faithful to God. The one thing I never doubted thru all the years was that God loved me and so I stayed faithful to Him and His service!
Finally after 11 years of marriage, he left me no choice but to finally get the divorce he had wanted for years. So I was now 29, the mother of a 3yr old son, I had complete care and costody of my son and had had from day one. When I had realized I was finally pregnant after 7 years and told him his response had been..."I'm glad for you, you will be a good Mom." We were separated again by then and he wanted nothing to do with either of us. He even moved out of the state when I was 6 months pregnant.

Not long before I turned 30, Mathew and I were shareing a mobile home with a friend of mine that I had known since I was 17. She, Mathew and I got along great and it helped both of us with the cost of living. She is the only girl and baby of 6 kids! One of her brothers was "THE GUY" James that I had the crush on
when I was 17! Their family had a tradition of Friday night game night and they started trading off and coming to our house sometimes for them. James and I clicked right away, but I was scared to death! I was in the NO MEN zone! I didn't trust men, but he was getting around my defences and under my skin!
He came over one night, just him without all the other brothers, with a couple of movies and a pizza. Amy was gone and so we ate pizza watched movies and started talking.
He sat on the other couch across the room, no threat, giving me honor, respect and space and we talked till almost 4 in the morning! I hadn't heard him say that much in all the 13 years I had known him combined! He came back the next night and the next and ....then one day I came home from work and there was a NEW WASHING MACHINE in my livingroom floor!!
Noone had ever bought me something so thoughtful before! I knew I was sunk! I knew right then I was in love and in so much trouble!! We had a dryer but the washing machine didn't work. And Amy had a very bad back. So she would go teach at the Christian school and come home to rest. I was the cook and bus driver for a daycare and took Mathew to work with me. So I left for work at 5am. Worked till 4:15, came home did laundry for all three of us in the bathtub by hand and then dryed it. And then made supper. I tried to do a load every night because it took so long to dry them. But it kept my hands red and raw between cooking for 50 kids 4 times a day and washing all the dishes by hand in bleach water each time and coming home and doing laundry by hand and cooking meal #5. My hands were a raw mess! So his first gift wasn't flowers or candy or jewelry. His first gift was from his heart, a gift to help and care for me.  A gift to make my life easier!
By October he asked me to marry him. I was still scared. More for him...did he truely realize what a mess he was getting when he got me? I had tried to tell him, to the best of my ability and understanding at the time, but would it be enough?

We have been married 12 1/2 years now. Yesterday we were sitting here talking before he went to work and the subject kind of came up in a round about way. (My hair, which I've been trying to decide what to do with it). Anyway I was telling him what it felt like growing up as the ugly duckling of the family and he kept telling me I wasn't. We just couldn't seem to make each other hear and understand.
I told him that when you have grown up traveling all over and you have heard your family described HUNDREDS of times as, Dewayne ~ good looking or handsome young man!, Audrey ~ boy she's TALL! this is my Amazon!, Myra~ she's so dainty or she's so delicate! She looks just like a little Dollie! (Mom), Sandra~ She's GEORGOUS!! She's Beautiful! (SHH just don't tell her that! LOL)
You learn real well where you stand in the genetics pool! When you hear guys talk about dateing your sisters but not a word about you, you figure it out! When you are 17 and the only person to ever ask you out on a date is a drunken, smoking, cussing, runaway, sailor and your Dad says sure! You know you are the ugly duckling! And well rid of!
Then it was James' turn for his version... he has told me over and over for the past 13 years how beautiful he thinks I am, how lucky and blessed he is, how he married up, etc. but yesterday he laid it all out for me.
He told me he didn't approach me when I was 17 and other guys didn't approach me then because I was so tall and beautiful they didn't feel like they stood a chance with me. (Not sure I 100% believe that, but that's what he said).
He described my marriage to Charles as this. He said, Charles got a Ferrari. He drove it and treated it like it was a beat up old Subaru. He had no clue what he had or how to treat it! He didn't deserve a Ferrari!
Now I have the Ferrari! I don't deserve it either, but at least I know what I have and I know I don't deserve it and I know how to appreciate it and treat it and take care of it! That is the difference! Do you understand now?
He made it so simple! And sweet!
Then as he walked in the dining room he said, (and I like my Ferrari RED!) LOL I have been begging him to tell me whether he wants me to dye my hair again or not and he wouldn't, and this was his way of telling me to dye it back red! He's too cute!!
For the first time since I was 12 (I'm now pushing 44) I feel like I, Audrey Lynn Noel Boyd Grant, am worth something! It is an amazing feeling!!